Is Compassion For The Narcissist Possible?

It is unusual to hear about anyone having compassion for the narcissist, as we are aware that the narcissist is extremely dangerous for those involved on an emotional level. Indeed if you know or have been involved with a narcissist, you may imagine this is impossible. Who could love a narcissist whilst knowing that they shun their own soul and seek to emotionally tear apart anyone who ever shows them any kindness? Yet I had an experience lately that gave me a new outlook in this worldwide problem we seem to have with one in ten people who are on the narcissistic scale. (see end of article for more to read on what a narcissist is)

When we consider having compassion for such a person, we must say it is entirely in the form of impersonal friendship, for one cannot exactly relate to a narcissist in an intimate relationship ever. That is fraught with a huge amount of deliberate injury and a broken heart. If you were strong enough, however, you may be able to start an impersonal friendship with a narc (and it may never last) and offer them something that perhaps they have never seen - Compassion. As we know, on a deep level the narcissist has no faith in themselves and in fact despises themself. This is an inbuilt trait of this condition, this special form of self-loathing. Yet, from the position of standing only at arms length, we do have that magical energy called compassion (which is different from feeling sorry for them) and we are free to give it to them, impersonally. We know the narcissist had a harsh upbringing, which caused this issue in the first place. Maybe a bit of compassion from the sidelines is just what they need, but even still, don't expect miracles.

Heal Your Wounds First

If you have been in a narcissistic relationship in the past, this compassion may not be possible until all of your deep wounds have been healed. It may in fact never be possible. We must remember to stay well away from any manipulation they WILL send our way, which we can do with a smile and simply side-stepping it. But the narcissist is a bit like a scorpion and it will attempt to sting you. They literally cannot change what they are. Even in an impersonal friendship, their usual types of manipulation still continue on and they will throw some of it your way from time to time.

Firstly, are you one who recognises manipulation when you see it? If you are an empath, the usual target of the narcissist, you will be aware of peoples' hearts and intentions after some training to read their energy. When you start to look at people and know where they come from, and know their inner intentions with just a glance, you then become available to soften enough to come from an area of helping. Not that you owe anyone anything (although if you are a starseed you may see it differently when it comes to offering help). Once the narcissist understands that you have no desire for a personal relationship with them, and they see you still offer impersonal love or compassion, they may take up this offer just to get some spiritual help and care. I have heard of this happening before, when a rare person with appropriate skill takes the hand in friendship of a narcissist.

Compassion Changes The Energy Of The Relationship

First let me say that from personal experience I know how it feels to intensely dislike the narcissist. My parents were narcissists and I have had friends who turned out to likewise be narcissists. I usually avoid this type at all costs. If you have experienced the narcissist, you would probably agree. Yet I have had some experiences with narcissists that were incredibly changed when I inexplicably changed my reaction to them, including one relationship where I suddenly, out of the blue, felt unbelievable compassion towards one. In this example a few years ago, I was stuck with an older woman who was high on the narcissist scale, who was a compulsive liar (she always forgot the lie she told me a week before and seemed to say the opposite a week later, making her appear as an obvious liar). She would say whatever came into her head just because it suited her.

As an example, one week she spent an hour describing how she did not experience cold ever. She could survive in the middle of winter wearing a t-shirt at home and claimed to not even own a heater in her house. She didn't need it and she did not even know what cold felt like. But the following week, lie forgotten, she sat for another hour huddled up to her foot heater, offering me no heat, and claiming what a freezing day it was. Of course this was too funny. This was the kind of person I could not escape from, and who was dangerous to be around due to her changeable moods and constant lies. You never knew what kind of person you would get when you turned up there. She could be nice and friendly, or totally against you.

One week we sat talking and she spoke exclusively about herself (this was usual although it was supposed to be about me) about how hard it was to pay her mortgage and there was nothing for her to do but work in this job, etc. It was the usual narcissistic sob story they loved to tell. But I began to feel sorry for her, then suddenly it transformed into compassion, a much higher energy. I spent the next half hour feeling nothing but compassion for her and offering her all kinds of heart-felt advice. I felt for her. How could I be sympathising for a narcissist who paints all she says to simply get an effect? Yet I was, bold as day.

Suddenly it was like lesson passed. Suddenly I was taken out of this program and I was not put into a new option, despite her trying to get me back. Like a miracle, I was free. I was amazed that, as I offered her real compassion instead of the veiled frustration I usually felt, suddenly the situation changed. Compassion is almost like a magical energy, a higher vibration. Once you have felt this particular energy for someone, it seems it is always there for them, no matter what diabolical things they are still trying to do to you.

There is definitely a spiritual law that states once you no longer need that person to teach you a lesson, either you or they are moved out of it. And I was moved. I realised I had it in me to give compassion to someone I didn't respect or like, and it actually changed my feeling towards her (although mentally I still knew she was diabolical).

Recently Compassion Changed Something Again

I saw a television show recently that changed everything for me. This show was a dating reality show and, strangely, this same show often teaches me big lessons. That week on the show, there were 'several' narcissists looking for dates. Knowing my feelings in general for narcissists (intense dislike) I actually had a very different reaction to them watching them from a distance. One was a male with a date, and the other was a female with a different date, and it was interesting.

First the male appeared, and he introduced himself to a highly confident and gregarious lady, a lady I did not sense had any issues. The way he conducted himself made me realise instantly he was a narcissist. Firstly, he refused to answer any question she asked him (and did this all night long) and tried to create a false, "mysterious" persona that rang untrue. Then he proceeded to do nothing but stare at her constantly in a highly suggestive manner, not even glancing away for a second. It was uncomfortable to watch. He then proceeded to do this THE ENTIRE NIGHT. He was giving her all kinds of saucy looks and all kinds of salacious smiles and he did not stop. I was yelling at her to the television things like, "Oh no he is a narcissist. Don't trust him. All he wants is to own you and constantly tear you to bits, don't get involved." He was mildly good looking, dressed up very well, and his eyes were ice cold. You could tell he was forcing this behaviour, that he was bored with it, and he didn't actually seem to care for her at all.

Meanwhile she was staring back with total interest and some measure of perplexity because she had never met someone like this before, lucky girl. Having not seen this one move (called love-bombing) before, she was interested and amazed at how he was treating her. Having met her only ten minutes previously, he reached out and began stroking her hand, first lightly then very aggressively as the camera panned in on this action. Such a typical narcissist. He kept trying to spell her with his eyes (no warmth there), trying to make them as hypnotic as he could. (ewww!!!).

Yet, as disgusted as I was, then I saw a moment into this man. There were a few seconds when he suddenly looked utterly lost and utterly, utterly terrified. I will never forget it as it is rare to see this openly in anyone. His pretense seemed to disappear a few times, then he would force back his fake confidence and start acting outrageously again as all narcissists must for their farce to work. It was the usual game, the usual tricks, and the narcissist has nothing more, nothing of substance. They must lure the other into this game by pretending to like them, before they start to devalue and destroy you, all the while making out it was because of something YOU did (sigh).

But, the compassion came alive in me when I saw the fear in him. It took him back to about 2 years old and he was not only terrified of her but of himself. Let's be plain here; the narcissist utterly hates themself and this is why they play this game. Because they believe that they are utterly worthless then they are totally unable to love. They will go through life and they will never love another, not even a friend, because they are unable to love themself. To see what was actually within him was painful, and I realised this was the only way he could gain reality, and that his whole life was fake. They only ever 'play a part', and if you are the one they are focussed on, your own total misery will make it impossible to SEE them and to notice what is going on in them. And it can take years to heal from, so sad for the victim who fell into this trap. Once the narcissist has you hooked then starts to devalue and dismiss you, it is an endless cycle of misery until you leave and start to finally heal.

My Revelations About Compassion and The Narcissist

At the end of the night, they both admitted interest in seeing the other again, but in the print they flash up at the end, it was revealed that he disappeared and was never heard of again. Oh, he was truly terrified of her because she was not his usual victim - she was strong. A narcissist can sense insecurity and that is normally ALL they target. They know a weakened person or an injured person when they see them. I had to laugh because this is typical of the narc. They are expert at the disappearing game and it will happen over and over again. Just another way they like to break down their victim.

The female narcissist meanwhile that I mentioned earlier, to explain quickly, rambled on all night like a mental patient and truly turned off her male counterpart. First after meeting him, she went on about how she wasn't deranged at all. She really, really wasn't crazy. Her next topic, which countered her first topic, was how all women are crazy. All women! Utterly mad but she went on to argue how all women are completely bonkers.. To top this off, the whole time she spoke, she had an extreme case of the 'crazy eyes'. If you aren't confused yet, she started to describe a character from a movie who is crazy, and how she likes to act like this fictional character and how funny it is (rolls eyes). Her date never got a single word in at all, and when they were asked about having another date at the end of the night, after she expressed she would like to, he simply admitted, "What can I say? No." He dodged one crazy bullet there.

A Rare Read

I've read a lot about narcissists lately and people's experiences with them. 99.9% of people advise you to run away quickly in the opposite direction for your own safety, to which I totally agree. A narcissist will regularly smear you behind your back if nothing else. Yet there was one story written by someone who decided to be friends with the narcissist whilst knowing what they are. That is a daring person indeed. This person admitted it was possible because, even though the narcissist continued to play narcissistic games (which are many and varied), the other person was two steps in front of them at all times. They found a way to not get injured by it. They said each time the games started, they looked at the narc with a knowing smile and the narc would stop it. I suppose it works if you can be bothered.

It is possible to escape the hurt like I did in the following story. I once had a narcissistic friend who I did not know was a narc. She had never injured me. It turned out that I eventually outgrew her and I began to notice that she was regularly cruel to others that we knew. The constant cruelty gradually made me feel sick as I could see no reason for it. So eventually I ended the friendship that was beginning to seem fake to me anyway. I was not hurt, and she never contacted me again. It is proof to me that you can weather some friendships, although I was aware she was smearing me behind my back like she did everyone else. The smears just never bothered me. It shows that sometimes a narcissist will make it possible to hang around them, if they are clever enough. I was aware later that she was using me in other ways I had never thought possible.

A Possible Future Someone

There is a part of me that wants to try this again and a part that definitely doesn't. There is a man, who I used to love, but who turned out to be very high on the narcissistic scale. Perhaps because of the once-love that was there, and a little due to curiosity, that I would ever determine to try this. I am aware that, even armed with compassion, it may never pay off big time and may never even help this soul. Perhaps I just need to try.

By keeping a relationship impersonal, you can refuse to answer any question, or indeed any demand the other makes, but you can try to help them somehow. The reason I say that compassion, a very healing energy, may not touch the narcissist is that they do not self love. In fact, they truly despise themselves. This is what makes a narcissist impossible to treat and any help given bounces of them as they truly believe they are better than everyone and never need help. If they admit they do, they are gaming you. Such is this condition, it is impossible to alleviate. Still, knowing there is no hope, I may try it one day if a situation arises just to see how effective it is.

I do know you can no longer be hurt by the narcissist if you know their playbook, which is easy to do. They only have one playbook and they never deviate from it. Call them unimaginative but their weapons are few and they have nothing new to offer. If the weapons they do have don't work on you, you may feel more or less safe and may proceed.

As More People Learn About Narcissists

As more people in the world learn about narcissists (about one in ten people falls in this category) then they start to lose their power. As they lose their power, we get less angry at them and start to feel more compassion. We perhaps feel sorry for them. And even though we cannot fix them (and make them love themselves) we can be a little kinder to them as we avoid them like the devil. Maybe one day they will all start to make breakthroughs, but until that day, keep yourself safe from them and if forced to interact, simply be impersonal. It is your best bet.

Below are some more articles on this topic:
Do You Know A Narcissist? 11 Traits of the Narcissist
Loving The Narcissist - The 6 Stages of a Narcissistic Love Relationship
Why Narcissists Can Never Let You Go
The 6 Types Of People Who Attract Narcissists
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: 9 Symptoms
Narcissistic Love-Bombing & Addiction
Is Compassion For The Narcissist Possible?

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